Hi there folks.
No, I’m not dead yet. Just wanted to write something to keep you people posted on how things are going (if anyone cares, that is). The current project… no, I didn’t give up on it just yet, it’s just that things haven’t been easy for me lately, so it’s currently “on hold” until I’m able to get started on it again.
The reason for that, well… As I believe I said in an earlier post, I’m prone to have a few depressive periods in which I can’t do anything at all. I usually have one of those every 2 months or so and they last, in average, a week. However, the one I’m going through is worse than the ones I have regularly, and it’s been going on for 4 months now.
That’s 4 months of living pretty much like a hikikomori, not going out to do anything, avoiding unnecessary contact with other human beings and crying myself to sleep. Going through something like that when you’re somewhere where you don’t know many people and have to work hard to keep your position is not good at all, so I’ve tried to find some help, professional this time.
As for the results of that… I took a month or so of counseling that didn’t help me at all and only made me feel like I’m completely hopeless and helpless, and made me sure that no one will ever do anything to help me. On top of that I was prescribed a medication, that apparently does nothing it’s supposed to do. The side-effects however, work like a charm.
I almost cut my wrists a couple of weeks ago, but I guess I’m too much of a loser to follow through even with the lamest method of suicide out there. Rumor has it that there are more effective methods around here, but even going out after those requires more effort and willpower that I’m capable of at the moment.
So I’m lonely, depressed, in a nearly suicidal state, avoiding social contact, and on top of that the medicine keeps me sedated and totally kills my sex drive. And I can’t even drink to ease the pain as the side-effects get worse if I do that. For the moment, I’m limited to sitting still and hoping for things to get better, and from my experience they never do.
In any case, I really want to at least finish this project before I go out and do something stupid that I can’t even regret afterwards, so I’ll try to work on the current translation and have something out before the end of this month. Just don’t get mad if I’m not capable of doing even that, ok?
Just needed to let off some steam and get some things out of my chest. I promise my next post will contain something actually useful for a change of pace.
See you next time.