Sober and Irrelevant

Hi there folks.

No, I’m not dead yet. Just wanted to write something to keep you people posted on how things are going (if anyone cares, that is). The current project… no, I didn’t give up on it just yet, it’s just that things haven’t been easy for me lately, so it’s currently “on hold” until I’m able to get started on it again.

The reason for that, well… As I believe I said in an earlier post, I’m prone to have a few depressive periods in which I can’t do anything at all. I usually have one of those every 2 months or so and they last, in average, a week. However, the one I’m going through is worse than the ones I have regularly, and it’s been going on for 4 months now.

That’s 4 months of living pretty much like a hikikomori, not going out to do anything, avoiding unnecessary contact with other human beings and crying myself to sleep. Going through something like that when you’re somewhere where you don’t know many people and have to work hard to keep your position is not good at all, so I’ve tried to find some help, professional this time.

As for the results of that… I took a month or so of counseling that didn’t help me at all and only made me feel like I’m completely hopeless and helpless, and made me sure that no one will ever do anything to help me. On top of that I was prescribed a medication, that apparently does nothing it’s supposed to do. The side-effects however, work like a charm.

I almost cut my wrists a couple of weeks ago, but I guess I’m too much of a loser to follow through even with the lamest method of suicide out there. Rumor has it that there are more effective methods around here, but even going out after those requires more effort and willpower that I’m capable of at the moment.

So I’m lonely, depressed, in a nearly suicidal state, avoiding social contact, and on top of that the medicine keeps me sedated and totally kills my sex drive. And I can’t even drink to ease the pain as the side-effects get worse if I do that. For the moment, I’m limited to sitting still and hoping for things to get better, and from my experience they never do.

In any case, I really want to at least finish this project before I go out and do something stupid that I can’t even regret afterwards, so I’ll try to work on the current translation and have something out before the end of this month. Just don’t get mad if I’m not capable of doing even that, ok?

Just needed to let off some steam and get some things out of my chest. I promise my next post will contain something actually useful for a change of pace.

See you next time.

20 Responses to “Sober and Irrelevant”

  1. Plamen Petkov Says:

    good to know you are still alive at least. if the current medication/doctor isnt helping find another one. I find that reading my favorite books/comics/manga watching my favorite silly movies (the 3 stooges, cannonball run) helps me somewhat. I also listen to a lot of hardcore techno/trance to lift my spirits up and wake me up. The beat revives me. I listen to kawaii radio at http://kawaii-radio.net/listen.php and if i like a song I write its name down, then search for a torrent. Cis-Trance, Perfume, move’s Come Together techno version and so on.

  2. BCN Says:

    Don’t do something like that. I enjoy fapping with your translations.
    Cheer up!

  3. Odd_Sister Says:

    My heart goes out to you, Rizel-san. I hope that you feel better soon. Life can certainly be difficult at times, and it will never get any easier, but try to hang in there.

  4. mewmew197 Says:

    Find some other doctor if the one you have now sucks. There’s always someone out there to help you out. I really wish you get better. Life sucks but anyone can over come it.

  5. te 2r Says:

    if your depression is due to a chemical imbalance (or something unrelated to your life/situation being terrible) and the medication isn’t helping, try something else. Switch your counselor if he sucks or try something else. If your life sucks, you need to think of changing it somehow, or if you can’t, just keep surviving until you can. Yeah I know, generic and obvious advice, but… I was heavily depressed twice in my life, and one of those depressions was due to me simply being a teenager (had to ride it out, things got better) and the other because my daily life sucked (so I moved/transferred for the better).

    Hope you feel better soon.

  6. Zathael Says:

    Depression sucks, there is no doubt about it. But there *is* help out there. If you think that your current doctor or therapist isn’t helping, go find another one. Another option would be to try and find a support group. That way, instead of listening to the advice of a doctor, you are getting help from people who have been through exactly what you are dealing with. Take care, and always remember that every new day has the potential to be better than the day before.

    • rizelbr Says:

      Thanks for the “get well” messages, everyone. It helps a bit.

      As for being due to a “chemical imbalance”, if that was the case the medicine would have worked, so it’s more of an “emotional” depression. As for switching the counselor, maybe that wouldn’t help. It’s not the kind of problem that can be solved by talking, but I was stupid enough to give it a try.

      Also, switching the doctor only means switching the medicine. They don’t care about much other than the clinical symptoms.

      Support groups…. there’s no support group for that kind of problem. And people with the same kind of problem seem to love making it worse for the others instead of helping. =/

  7. good guy Says:

    good luck rizelbr ,hope that you’ll b just fine & plz finnish Onna no Ko nado Boshuuchuu i reaaly did enjoy “it”

  8. Haohmaru Says:

    Depression is indeed a terrible beast. I suffer from it myself. I tried medication, all the things doctors prescribed, but nothing really made a difference. I know its hard to keep your head up at times, having been there myself (and still going there every now and then). But you know what keeps me going? Its silly really, or maybe not 🙂 I make games for a living, and it really lifts me up when I think about the joy my work brings to heaps of people around the world. So when things get really bad, I focus on that. I do my best to dedicate myself to it. All types play the games I have worked on … from cancer patients to disabled children to medical discharges from the military … and when I think about the good I bring their life (even if it may be short), that in some way Im helping them … I dont know, it suddenly makes my problems seem surmountable. These are people who have had their gifts taken away from them, but yet they battle on. It lifts my spirits really. Which is usually all it takes.

    Blah, now I feel Im rambling, but I hope you can find some meaning in what Ive written!

    • Shake Says:

      That really isn’t a stupid reason at all, it’s actually incredibly thoughtful. Seriously, that brought a smile to my face.

      As for Rizel, the reason you aren’t able to cut yourself or kill yourself is because you haven’t completely given up on yourself.

      and why should you?

      Nothing I write in a blogpost can really change much, but I can at least give you a bit of insight. You see, I was in a deep depression as well. On this same seat I am sitting on now, I would question where my life was going and what I would do for my future. It’s 2 AM now (helping someone with a paper), and it was 2AM back then as well.

      It’s incredible, the world hasn’t changed much, those around me have grown, and I live in the same apartment. Yet, I’ve changed so much. The sky is still blue, cars don’t fly yet, but it feels like so long ago that I didn’t know where I was headed. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t…

      change
      a
      thing

      …meaning, I wouldn’t stop that depression from controlling me for a year or so of my life. It came because I didn’t know where I was gonna wind up, and I confronted that problem, and holy shit do I feel all the better and wiser now. I’ve gained a new perspective I never had before, which is more retrospective than ever before. The depression added to my character, and in the end, made me a better person.

      So, I said all of that to tell you this; find whatever is bothering you and confront it. Even today, I don’t know for sure why it is I did some of the things I did, so the answers won’t be there in black and white. Therapy really helped me, so find the right therapist. Trust me, it won’t come right away, I fucked around for a year or so ’till I finally found a good therapist, and then, it took me 3 or so more months to make progress or really take things in. But everything adds to your character, and depression is another challenge that will eventually add to it. Thing is, conquering depression is conquering one’s inner demons, so it’s much harder.

      But, for the love of God, if you’re gonna listen to one thing a stranger tells you today then listen up;you will be a better person for it in the end. Consider it a re-arrangement phase in life, and once you’re through it, your character and sense of worth becomes that much bigger.

      and I just realized that I typed up a lot of words.

      So trudge on, brother. If you don’t know what’s bothering you, it’s alright. No one should be forced to feel like they should do this or that, everything at your own pace. It’s your life and you control it, no one else. If it helps, write. Just write and write and write, about anything. Shit, write about your fapping habits, make it a sentence long, but write. It might help, and you can never be sure of something until you fully tried it out. It might lead absolutely nowhere, but at least it’s one option crossed off a list. But don’t give up, trust me on this.

      • rizelbr Says:

        @Shake
        Well, where should I start…

        I’ve been depressed before in my life, of course. I’ve been having to deal with it since I was 13, so believe me, I’m used to feeling like shit, so much that I learned to pretend I’m ok when I’m around people and live on. That way I was capable of solving a good part of the problems I had at that time, and went on overcoming whatever difficulties I encountered, while setting higher goals to keep me going. It worked quite well, regardless of the depression in itself.

        I got myself an insight on life, set some goals, started a career, made some friends (which I never really had before things started changing) and started working towards my dreams. One of such dreams was learning Japanese. I was able to get started on that and wow, here I am, living in Japan and translating stuff. I’ve already accomplished some goals I had set for myself. And as for my life from here onwards, I don’t really care, I believe I am capable of finding something worth doing for the rest of my life.

        However, as I stated, my problem is mainly emotional and it’s not something that can be solved easily, if at all. While I believe I am capable of finding something to do for the rest of my life, because of that problem I don’t feel like it’s worth it. I don’t believe I’ll be happy no matter what I choose to do or what I’m capable of changing. I’ll always be lonely, depressed and miserable. As my therapist said, no one is going to help me with this, and that I have to solve it by myself. I am not capable of solving this by myself, and as someone who hates asking for help and accomplished most things in my life on my own, believe me when I say that. I know my limits and I know when I’m beaten.

        Asking therapists or my friends only results in one answer: silence. No one knows what to say or how to help.
        Even a trained professional couldn’t do for me more than my closest friends could: comfort me and hope things get better. So as I said, I’m hopeless and helpless.

        Anyway, this is too long of a comment (must be as long as the post itself), so I’ll stop whining here for now. If you want to talk more about it, please let me know if you have a MSN messenger acount, and we can talk on there.

        Thanks for taking your time to comment.

  9. Zevs Says:

    Hi. 🙂
    Try http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entropy_and_life ) and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_%28psychology%29 .
    In short: enjoy your chance of being a substance whose entropy goes in opposite direction. 🙂
    In some other words: if you take me for example, I like to sleep, fap, watch anime, play starcraft and eat good food. But the latter requires me to earn money, so I work. Passive income would be better, of course, but…. let’s hope it’ll work out in the future.

    So. You probably have stuff you like to do too. Then do them and enjoy, you’ll die anyway. 😛 Get married maybe? :]

    • rizelbr Says:

      My depression keeps me from being able to enjoy anything I usually do. Reading what I usually read makes me feel worse, and I can’t concentrate myself enough on movies, music or games. As for food, I don’t feel like cooking, so I just eat whatever’s at hand. As for “getting married”, that’s one of the things I’ll never be able to do because of my problems. Thanks for trying though.

  10. M Says:

    Shit, dude, sorry to hear about your situation.

    I’ve had some depression, too. Started in high school. Now I’m 26 and on two medications. They help – I’m not incapacitated by depression and misanthropy, but they still exist. I still try to avoid all the people at my apartment complex, and I hate the idea of getting trapped in a conversation with any of them. Mostly annoying old farts, anyway. I also dislike going out in public without a fixed plan or being in an unfamiliar place. I hate the idea of the local fast food employees recognizing me because I’m a repeat customer, so I try to rotate what I go to within a few miles radius. Damn girl at McDonald’s recognizes me and my affinity for milkshakes, so I tend to avoid it. Let’s see … I also end up shopping as little as possible, living off Nissin Cup Noodles, cereal, and the occasional soda or OJ. I rather do wish I could stand the taste of alcohol, but I can’t, so I can’t enjoy drinking my problems away. No girlfriend, messy apartment, dead-end job.

    Rizel, you can at least reflect with some satisfaction on your accomplishments and skills: you’ve learned a difficult second language, settled in a foreign country, and are gainfully employed (I hope). I couldn’t do that. The best I know is a few phrases of Japanese I get from watching anime, and what I hazily recall from high school Spanish class. The largest moves I have contemplated are still within my country.

    To many of us … uh … hungry perverts, you’re “living the dream.” If that’s any consolation.

    I politely recommend giving a different psychologist and psychiatrist a try. I’ve switched through two of each as I’ve moved from … uh … being a minor to being an adult.

    You have us, your considerate fans who leave friendly comments. If it helps to write a blog post about your personal life, do it. Phone a friend, write an email, or talk to another translator.

    Suicide is one of those actions that cannot be undone. I don’t advise it, and you shouldn’t think of yourself as a failure for having ‘failed’ in the attempt. I’d consider that very lucky.

    I hope there is something somewhere that can still inspire joy or wonder in your heart and mind. Macro photographs of moss, goofy photoshop contests, horrible racist jokes, good movies, pictures from Hubble, whatever it is, seek it out. Pet a stray cat or trip a small child, whatever.

    You ain’t never alone. The internet is always open, 24 hours a day.

    Good luck.

    • te 2r Says:

      those with trouble handling people & social situations should read the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Yes, it’s the often-parodied classic but my recommendation is no joke. For non-social people like me, it’s a real eye-opener. Though I’ll never be a socialite or anything, it has allowed me to decode, handle and appreciate the conventions of social situations and understand how people connect.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People

    • rizelbr Says:

      Thanks for the comment. I’ve been dealing with this for quite a long time too, but it seems to get even worse at times like these. I used to be really shy and avoid people, but thankfully I was somehow able to overcome that when given the right conditions to change.

      As for finding satisfaction on my accomplishments… I sincerely don’t know what’s worse: being unable to accomplish anything, or accomplishing and still feeling empty and like you’re never going to be happy with anything.

      I’ll try to talk to my current psychiatrist and see what he suggests. If nothing changes, I’ll try to find a new one when I feel more motivated and have the financial means to do so.

      And yes, there is something that still inspires me joy. It’s the exact same thing that makes me suffer though. =/

  11. Razgriz Says:

    Though I dont advise tripping a small child I do agree with M. The most important thing to do is find something you can find joy in.

    Failing at suicide is a good thing. It means you still have hope whether you believe it or not. It means something inside you is still screaming you want to live. All you have to do is find it. Take your time to find that and if you ever need support your fans are more than willing to give it.

    • rizelbr Says:

      Thanks for the comment. As I said before, anything that brings me joy right now is bound to make me suffer as well.

      And I don’t think I have any hope left. I had a bit and tried to do something about it, and my therapist has just made me sure there’s no hope for me. I guess the only thing that keeps me alive is being too lazy and unmotivated to make preparations and write a suicide letter, and hating to bother people and make them waste their time (when I think about the mess someone would have to clean and the trouble my family would have…). So yup, I’m either too considerate or too much of a loser to do something to end my misery once and for all.

  12. kickthekitty Says:

    Dunno. Should I give consolation or something. No, I dont have any real advices.

    Get a cat or two. Seriously. Having pets has prevented more suicides then prozac and therapy together. Plus they are nice. Can’t really be depressed with a cat purring on your lap.

    I don’t see why one would be loser for backing down from killing oneself. Anyone who doesn’t fear death is insane. And if the mental pain didn’t override self-preservation (that’s what it’s all about in the end), you should celebrate instead.

    Still, I don’t believe into “live and suffer” stuff either. If the pain get’s too much, this is the best method to kick it. In private bath of cource.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shallow_water_blackout

  13. gosseyn Says:

    I’ve dealt with chronic depression most of my life, and I’ll be 58 this year. I spent the first 2/3 of it self-medicating (drinking in high school, then “smoking” for the next 30 years). In ’95 I was diagnosed with ADD, and started seriously seeing a psychiatrist for that & my depression. It took 3-4 years of trying different meds & combinations of meds before we finally found the ones that corrected my brain chemistry. I understand your situational depression, but please don’t give up trying to find the right combination of meds for your chronic depression. Some of them can reduce your libido, and some won’t reduce your libido, but will mess with your ability to perform. But you’ve got to keep trying until the right combination is found. Chronic depression is like starting each day at the bottom of a deep hole, but when the right meds are found, they allow you to get out of that hole an start at ground level like everyone else. Then you’re better able to deal with, and start changing, the circumstances of your life situation.
    Don’t give up, and make your doctor work with you in trying different meds until you find the right one(s). It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

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